November Update

Well, she did the most hurtful thing she could do. Her and who knows who else? The people she continues to defend. . . Shane? Hollind? Eden? Catie? I will never know. We had very little in our house to move yet . . . and two very sentimental pictures that I just hadn't taken.

I stopped by the house in late November and then thermostat was broken off the wall and other things had apparently been moved. One of them was a picture of my grandparents' dog named Fangy, and the other was a picture of me and my grandpa back during the bicentennial days of Hayfield in 1972. He had grown a beard and I was dressed like someone off Little House on the Prairie.

Anyone who knows me, knows that my grandpa was the most special person in my life. He held my hand without saying a word when I needed it most. He passed away three weeks before Lindsey was born.

In this framed picture of the two of us was a silver dollar and fifty cent piece. I noticed the picture gone and asked Lindsey about it - her words? "I know how much that picture means to you, I would never touch it and I would never let me friends touch it."

A day later I came home and a familiar looking mat was in the garage. . . a few steps in the house was the hanger. . . in the next room was the glass. . . and in a box of Matt's stuff was the frame. You know what was missing? The silver dollar, fifty cent piece and the picture. I called Lindsey crying, and she denied knowing anything about it.

How could she have ripped that picture open for a buck fifty???? A couple days later she produced the coins - but you know what is still missing? The picture - the picture of the man who played such an important role in my life. A month later, the coins are in my hands, the frame is ripped apart and I still get sick to my stomach to think that she and her friends sunk that low as to taking the picture. I don't doubt they had a good laugh watching it burn.

The house is clean and empty now . . . still no picture.

Fall Update

Well, we went to Branson as a family in August and took our two nieces as well. We had a blast. Lindsey, of course, chose to stay home. In the month of August, we were also able to realize a dream of ours and move to the country. We have a little slice of heaven between Chatfield and Fountain. Haley and Will love it, as do we.

Anyway, on to the update - I was sitting in the bathroom prior to leaving for Branson, and looked up at my window sill and saw my two diamond necklaces. One was a heart-shaped necklace Lindsey and Matt picked out for me back in 2001ish, and the other, was one Matt had given me just a couple years back of 5 diamonds (I believe it's called the Journey necklace). I thought to myself "do I need to hide these? Heck no, she wouldn't do that to me again." So, away we went to Branson. When we got back, I was standing in the bathroom and I stepped on something. I looked down, and it was a pendant from another necklace, which had also been on the window sill. Of course, my heart skipped a beat. I raced over to the window sill and THEY WERE GONE! I couldn't believe it!!

I confronted her, and she vehemently denied it and ran out of the house crying and yelling at me. But, several days later she owned up to one of them but not the other. Just another day in the life.

Nothing new

Lindsey has called a few times in the last couple of weeks. Mostly to say hi and perhaps worm a little money out of me. The most I have done is meet her at McDonalds and buy her a burger or something. She is selling corn out of a pick up truck with a friend at random places. Well, she calls her a friend - I don't as a parent.

Lindsey is still not taking care of herself. She keeps saying she will never be happy so why bother to try. That is just so sad.

Lots of little things make me think of her in so many happy ways. Someday. . . . right?

Latest, and I would love to say Greatest. . .

We are leaving on a family weekend over at the Dells this evening. It's been a rough week. My biological grandfather passed away Sunday evening, and Matt's amazing grandpa passed away this afternoon. Things always comes in three, I fear for her today.

We offered for her to come along, but she won't come unless she can bring her boyfriend - I don't even know this person.

Last night she needed money, and she admitted it was a drug debt. She told me she would be in trouble if she didn't give them money. As hard as it was, I had to say no. It is time to 100% stop enabling her.

Last week I received a random text from someone from her past. It said if I care at all about my daughter I would get her some help. She is doing more than she was before. They also asked if I was watching over her and setting rules.

I had to let this person know that Lindsey is 18 now, and I am beyond helping someone who does not want help in the least bit.

She stops over now and then, tells me to fuck off or go to hell, grabs some clothes and leaves. We have been locking our door and hiding any money - do you know how that feels to wonder what your child could do to hurt you? Sometimes I lay in bed and wonder if she would go as far as hurting us while we sleep. Awful to have to wonder this. I look at my sweet, innocent Haley and William - what could she or would she do to them in a drug-induced state of mind? It is horrible having to wonder these things.

She has been telling people that we no longer care about her and have abandoned her. That is so not the case, and she just doesn't understand that. I told her again last night that when she decides to live life like an adult and make adult decisions and move forward, I will open my front door wide open for her. Until then, I just will not enable her. She doesn't understand at all.

Then at 2 a.m. this morning, I received a text "good night mom, love you," talk about sticking a knife in my heart and twisting it around and around and around. Are these drugs talking or has my daughter briefly appeared???

Only time will tell. But, I know in my heart, that my little baby will appear some day again and everything will be okay.

I am attaching my favorite scene from the latest Rocky movie - his inspirational talk to his son. It reminds me of what I could say to Lindsey if she would only listen.

I am posting a link to my favorite inspirational lecture - although it's from a father to a son - it's pretty powerful and very simply put.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Z5OookwOoY&feature=PlayList&p=BFCAC95E72E9D05C&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=21

Snowed Again.....

Well, Linz spent a week in the hospital again - almost the whole first week of June. She missed all her school work that she was supposed to get in. But guess what, the school bent over backwards for her again to let her get it in. She disappeared the day I got her out of the hospital . . .

I thought she had made so much progress this time. Each time she goes in, I get so excited. It is so apparent how smart she is - she knows all the right things to say to the doctors and to me. We had all these plans to help her, again; to help her move, to help her stay sober, to help her get a job, everything - with Kendra and Aaron's help, we were going to get her on the right path to adulthood. Then kaboom - her decisions made it all come crashing down again.

She didn't contact me for almost a week. I went through those awful feelings of wondering if she was hungry, clean, alive. . . it is a horrible feeling, horrible.

Finally she contacted me through a friend - saying she knew she had screwed up and was afraid to talk to me. The one person who has welcomed her back over and over and over and over - x10!

Here we are - three weeks later and I got a message from one of her random old friends saying that Lindsey was doing all the same things she had done in the past. And, if I wanted to save her, I better do something. Of course I want to save her, but I have come to realize I can't save her until she wants to save herself. She keeps saying she will never be happy. But she has never tried. She has never tried to live life making the right decisions and without drugs.

I finally told her last night that when she is ready to walk through my door and honestly say goodbye to her loser friends and the drugs, then I will help her. I made it abundantly clear that when she is ready and does walk through that door, that it needs to be for real. Not for long enough for me to get my hopes up and get some money and food off me. . . I'm done providing that.

I just hope with all my heart, that I do not bury her before she wakes up.

Her Graduation Announcement

It's been awhile . . .

Well, here we are again. Something must have happened for me to log on and write.

Lindsey has relapsed, although not nearly as severe as where she was before, but nonetheless, she relapsed. She has this incredible fear of being alone and friendless. So, she clings to these bad friends she has and doesn’t try to make new ones. Her self-confidence is so darn low, it is unbelievable. Ultimately, she is also very dependent on males. So, when she has a boyfriend, she is crazy “in love.” To the point that if he breaks up with her, she almost gets rather stalkerish. Anyway, he current male friend, whom is just bad, bad news, broke up with her and she took a lot of sleeping pills. So, by Monday night at midnight, she admitted she needed help again, and I spent the night in the ER with her. Twice during her stay, she stopped breathing. And, her heart was so off that they were doing ECGs on her, etc. But, by about 5 am, we had her stabilized and able to talk. She agreed to go back into Generose, which is the Psych Ward.

She doesn’t take care of herself AT ALL. She is so sick with pneumonia but won’t take her antibiotics, she has depression but won’t take her medication, etc. So, her being in the hospital is a good place for her to be. She will be there until Tuesday.

Last night I had the best conversation with her that we have had in two years. She finally admitted she was hanging around bad people, and self medicating when she felt down. I have always thought she would never recover or even begin a road to recovery unless she left Rochester.

Finally, she has agreed. So, I have been talking to Kendra and I think Kansas may be the best bet for a fresh start. Kendra said she is willing. Lindsey doesn’t need a parent right now, she needs someone who will guide her in getting a job, making some new friends, developing a hobby, helping her relax and remain positive. We talked a little bit about her being down there a year and maybe getting residency in Kansas and enrolling in KU. That is aways away, but she needs to think about the future. She isn’t a little kid in high school anymore.

She can attend outpatient while down there as well as get a psychologist to follow her. But, like I said, her biggest fear is making new friends and not being alone. I wish I could wave a wand and make her happy, but she needs to help herself before it will get any better.