She's Gone . . . Again

Well, to those of you who have not been in this situation but have all the advice in the world - keep it to yourself. I put my foot down and told Lindsey she did not need to hang out at the hospital all night and before she could do anything, I needed to talk with her friends in regard to the texts we found, etc. Well, guess what - she didn't come home last night. Haven't heard from her nor have I seen her.

So, once again, I found myself cleaning her room and crying as I picked up her clothes and folded them and put them away. I cried as I read her treatment journals and have come to the realization that it is all a bunch of BULL SHIT!

She told me last night before she hung on me, that I am the one making this hard. She doesn't understand that the dumb decisions she made in the past have made her life hard now. Until she stops blaming everyone else, me included, she will not get better.

Her last words to me were, "I don't ever want to see you or talk to you again." So much for setting rules and expecting them to be followed!

She went to bed happy and woke up happy . . .

Jeannie Miller gave me a call last night while Lindsey was just finishing up group. She had a few concerns about the possibility of Lindsey cutting herself and since she is dual diagnosis, wanted me to make sure she didn’t run out of Lexapro.

But, in the course of the conversation, she did say that Matt and I are doing all the right things with Lindsey and Lindsey needs to take responsibility for her actions.

When I picked Lindsey up, she asked if we could talk, and of course I said yes. So, she asked me “What is the benefit of my attitude changing? I just don’t see the benefit.” And I told her she could have everyone one us bending over backward for her if she only adjusted the attitude. And, after she asked me again, rather than go back and forth, I just told her that she would have to learn the benefit of a good and positive attitude as I was unable to explain it to her in terms she would understand.

She asked me if I would take her to the craft store to buy some necklace making supplies so she could keep herself busy. So, we went and bought supplies. In the middle of the store, she threw her arms around me and promised she would try really hard. But, why do we take everything away from her? And I calmly explained, that if she really looked around her, we hadn’t taken anything but her texting capabilities.

But at the end of the conversation, she looked at me and asked me “Why do you make it so hard for me?” So my question is – am I the reason for all this, am I really making it hard of her? Will there be a day when she realizes I was only trying to guide her down the right path? If so, make that day get here real soon!

Anyway, she handed over her phone at 10 last night, got off the computer when I asked and crawled into bed. In fact, just as Matt and I were going to bed, we heard her talking. So, I headed upstairs quietly to see what was going on - she and Haley were screwing around and laughing rather uncontrollably. It brought tears to my eyes and one trickled down my face. Oh the sweet sounds of sisters laughing.

Now, we have to get her over the hurdle of instant gratification based on behavior – the bargaining to get what she wants.

Well, the waters of hell are flowing!

We had a rough weekend, and at this point in time, I can say I won't be leaving the house for quite some time. Lindsey was sick last week and didn't go to school part of Thursday either. She did get up and go to school on Friday, but she refused to stay here with Matt. So, she went over to her dad's. Haley had a basketball game Saturday, which she went to. Saturday night she spent the night at Elissa's.

By the time I got home on Sunday, she still wasn't home. I talked with her and let her know staying somewhere else was not an option. We were not going to be running from the problems she thinks she has at home.

Somewhere in all of this mess, she thinks we have all stopped believing in her. I guess, in her limited world, taking away a phone means no one believes her wanting to stay sober. She is coming on 7 months, and I remain so proud of her.

When she finally got home Sunday, we moped a little bit, but then she said, "Mommy, please don't ever go away again." I just wrapped my arms around her and felt her frame crumble toward my arms. I told her I wouldn't be going anywhere.

She told me she didn't use or cut this weekend, and I put her face in my hands and looked right at her and said, "I BELIEVE YOU!" I have faith that you would not do anything to derail herself.

Monday night Chrissy came over - we went through Lindsey's phone together and what was in there just made my heart sink. She had someone asking her to find hits of acid and $40 of coke. What's so funny, that after talking to this girl, I realize there are so many people who just don't get it! The girl said, "but it wasn't for me and it's not like I asked Lindsey to use it." Are people like her so dumb as to think that a person who is trying to stay sober should be automatically resist using drugs she went out and got and now has in her hands would not want to use them?? Wake the hell up people. What kind of support is that?? That is messed up.

Then, another girl, whom I thought was okay and who is raising a baby, asked for her to find her some marijuana. I am not okay with that, and Chrissy backed me up that we should be livid. So, before Lindsey can hang out with these kids, they all will be coming over here for a little bit of reality check. Lindsey can't be around that stuff and how much of a friend would ask her to find it??? I seriously can't comprehend!

Of course, homework didn't get done, she cried uncontrollably, and her school is worried about her too. Matt and I are remaining united, as that is all we can do. It breaks our hearts to see her go through this, and we can only say to ourselves that we are doing what we know is right.

It is so hard to focus at work. I remained strong for the past six months, although I don't know how, but I did. My marriage has taken a toll and our little kids have heard so much their little ears should not hear. We will keep doing the best we can, but all prayers are welcomed!

Aaargh. . .

I am in Texas, and I thought that everyone would be okay with out me being there. All I can say is I guess maybe I am more of a mediator and calming affect than I thought. All hell has broken loose and I am in a panic stage. This is so depressing to be out of reach, out of touch and unable to help out. Lindsey was sick yesterday, so she didn't go to school. But, she doesn't have strep. When it came time to go to school, we were hoping she would have the umph to get up and try to go. But, she didn't unfortunately. So, the phones have been taken away and the computer as well. This is frustrating to say the least.

Wow - this is hard. . .

Well, Linz has been home almost a week. I am just gripped with two polar opposite emotions. One is, I have set myself up to watch her fail. The other is, I have 100% faith in her that she will prove me wrong. It's amazing how you can have such feelings that are on the opposite ends of the spectrum. Chrissy came over and talked with us last night, and she just sat there, like she didn't care about anything. Then, all of a sudden I felt like I was being attacked because I had said something wrong or had the wrong facial expression or something. We talked about the rules we had set, and she just mumbled through the discussion and said it didn't matter what she thought because nothing was going to change. Thank goodness Matt was there to speak for me because I was still in the fox hole, shell shocked.

Today she went home from school sick. Three days back in school, and she is home sick. I don't know what to think. Not sure where to turn either. Matt throws up his hands when I want to talk about it and doesn't show much interest in what I have to say anyway. . . . I don't want to say anything negative because it will only make his feelings of negativity toward her grow. That is the last thing I want.

I am turning over every thought to God - it's amazing how much praying can take place in the shower!

First Friday night home

Well, I drove Lindsey over to a friend's house so they could watch a movie. I cannot even describe this feeling of nervousness, nausea, and fear. I want to trust her so badly . . .

She had a good day at school today. I brought her with me to work after school, and she got her algebra homework done, so we won't have to nag about that.

She is attending a basketball tournament with us tomorrow; Haley will be so happy to finally see her big sister sitting in the stands. Lindsey cried yesterday when she reflected on how she has been as a sibling. On a positive note, her sister and brother have lots of years worth of activities for Lindsey to attend.

Nancy and Kari

Here are the two people who have really given Lindsey the skills to success "on the outside"! Nancy and Kari - both to whom I owe a big thanks!