Poem From a Friend

Megan sent me this poem, and I really, really like it. And, actually, the last line gives me encouragement.

I believe that everything happens for a reason.
People change so that you can learn to let go.
Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right,
and most important...things fall apart so better things can fall together.

Thursday's Conversation

I got a call this morning at 7:15, and Lindsey said, "hi." I said hello back. She said she didn't know how to start the conversation and please don't be mad. She then explained she was up all night with a stomach ache, quickly to add she didn't go out or do anything wrong, and would i call her in to school.

I told her she chose to leave my home, therefore I would not be calling her in sick. She said Scott would bring her over to my house for the day. I am not sure what she thought that would accomplish, but maybe she wanted her bed to be in, I don't know. But again, i told her no, she chose to leave and that's that.

So, I gave her the phone number to school and told her I hoped she felt better and hung up.

But, the emotional side of me is ripped again - I feel like I abandoned her in a time of need. But, was she playing me like so many times before. Will there ever be a time when I will know a difference? Will Lindsey ever be sincere enough that I won't doubt her?

And, i have to keep telling myself that she is young, and we have so many years ahead of us. But, it's hard to look beyond what is face value right now - I just keep feeling like we are at the end of the line. Not sure it makes sense.

It's Wednesday and getting easier. . . .

We had our family counseling session on Monday night, and Chrissy and Ann suggested that maybe it is time to let Lindsey do what she thinks she needs to do and let her go for the time being.

I was hoping to get to the bottom of things as to where she was over the weekend, but after she called me a B****, and added the word psycho to it, I sort of let the conversation go. I am tired of escalating discussions that get us no where.

She has, once again, gotten what she wants in some for or another. All of a sudden, she will be residing with her bio dad, yes, the one who has let her down over and over and over. She packed up a bad and I dropped her off Monday night. She said goodbye - I couldn't say anything. She said I love you - and I couldn't even respond. By that time I had swallowed my tongue.

The hopes and dreams I had for her and our relationship as she grew into adulthood were slammed shut right along with the car door. The tears blurred my vision as I backed out the driveway and she walked into their door.

And then I felt absolutely helpless and panicky - who will make her doc appointments, who will refill her medication, who will make sure she gets her homework done so she can graduate, who will order her cap and gown, who will take her places she needs to go?? All these things that she takes for granted that I just do flooded over me - honestly, who will take care of her?

And then later, I felt so angry. She called me and asked me not to be mean to Scott about this. When will she ever worry about me and what this has all done to me? She always worries about Ed and Scott. Yes, I am being selfish, but only briefly.

We need peace in our family, and I can only move forward and provide that for Haley, Will and Matt. It will take work and perhaps a fake, pasted smile - but we can get to where we should be - drama free.

I will always wonder where she was over the weekend, and I will always wonder if she fed Scott a line of BS to get out of treatment the first night she was over there - was it to avoid a random drug test? We will never know. We can only hope she grows up and takes herself down the path of success rather than destruction. We can only hope . . .

Matt has been supportive this last week and sent me this via email: "I know it is hard. But you have to have strength too and realize this is the best thing. She has 2 months until we have no control over what she does. If we spent those last 2 months controling ever little thing she does to stop her from finding the bad crowd, the bad stuff, etc. She would resent us even more and rebell even harder when she gets there. Now hopefully these 2 months of having no support from us will make her realize what she needs. Hopefully in time she will find some peace in her life and realize the importance of family. When she does she will be welcomed back into our lives with open arms."

Someday . . .

Well, she's home.

Nothing else to update. No answers to any of our questions.

Still gone . . .

No calls, no notes, no contacts to anyone. The medication she needed to stay on is still hanging on my door. I am so worried - again.

She's Gone . . . Again

Well, to those of you who have not been in this situation but have all the advice in the world - keep it to yourself. I put my foot down and told Lindsey she did not need to hang out at the hospital all night and before she could do anything, I needed to talk with her friends in regard to the texts we found, etc. Well, guess what - she didn't come home last night. Haven't heard from her nor have I seen her.

So, once again, I found myself cleaning her room and crying as I picked up her clothes and folded them and put them away. I cried as I read her treatment journals and have come to the realization that it is all a bunch of BULL SHIT!

She told me last night before she hung on me, that I am the one making this hard. She doesn't understand that the dumb decisions she made in the past have made her life hard now. Until she stops blaming everyone else, me included, she will not get better.

Her last words to me were, "I don't ever want to see you or talk to you again." So much for setting rules and expecting them to be followed!

She went to bed happy and woke up happy . . .

Jeannie Miller gave me a call last night while Lindsey was just finishing up group. She had a few concerns about the possibility of Lindsey cutting herself and since she is dual diagnosis, wanted me to make sure she didn’t run out of Lexapro.

But, in the course of the conversation, she did say that Matt and I are doing all the right things with Lindsey and Lindsey needs to take responsibility for her actions.

When I picked Lindsey up, she asked if we could talk, and of course I said yes. So, she asked me “What is the benefit of my attitude changing? I just don’t see the benefit.” And I told her she could have everyone one us bending over backward for her if she only adjusted the attitude. And, after she asked me again, rather than go back and forth, I just told her that she would have to learn the benefit of a good and positive attitude as I was unable to explain it to her in terms she would understand.

She asked me if I would take her to the craft store to buy some necklace making supplies so she could keep herself busy. So, we went and bought supplies. In the middle of the store, she threw her arms around me and promised she would try really hard. But, why do we take everything away from her? And I calmly explained, that if she really looked around her, we hadn’t taken anything but her texting capabilities.

But at the end of the conversation, she looked at me and asked me “Why do you make it so hard for me?” So my question is – am I the reason for all this, am I really making it hard of her? Will there be a day when she realizes I was only trying to guide her down the right path? If so, make that day get here real soon!

Anyway, she handed over her phone at 10 last night, got off the computer when I asked and crawled into bed. In fact, just as Matt and I were going to bed, we heard her talking. So, I headed upstairs quietly to see what was going on - she and Haley were screwing around and laughing rather uncontrollably. It brought tears to my eyes and one trickled down my face. Oh the sweet sounds of sisters laughing.

Now, we have to get her over the hurdle of instant gratification based on behavior – the bargaining to get what she wants.