Feeling like writing. . .

It's been two weeks since Lindsey moved out. I have heard from her via text for three things - money, rides and to excuse her from school. To all of which, I said no.

I never thought the child nearest and dearest to me would move out so soon or under these circumstances. But, I have had to let go, and that really sucks. When I moved out, I am fairly certain my mom didn't call school or work to find out if I didn't go, I knew I couldn't ask her to excuse me from anything anymore, and it was a long, long time before my parents gave me money. . .

Basically, Lindsey moved out and decided to make a go of it on her own. . . sort of. She moved in with her bio dad (whom she hasn't had a relationship for 16 years) and her step mom, whom she never referred to as that before. In fact, when she went over there on Christmas Eve, she was back in an hour because he didn't know how to act around her. And one of the other times, when Matt asked how it was visiting her dad, Lindsey's response was, "If you call having him passed out on the couch the whole time good, then it was good."

Am I hurt - you bet I am. I won't try to pretend I'm not. The email she last sent me apologized for being an inconvenience to me. When in the hell did I ever say that or act like that? She said if she moved back home, she would be dead within a week. And, that I could never guilt trip her into coming home - funny thing is, I don't think I ever asked her to come back home.

I can only hope she becomes a better person with this move, and I am glad she found someone who could help her be the person she should be. Even though I wished it had been me.

Right now though, I can't even look at her or talk to her - there is no connection. It was fried when she called me a psycho bitch and decided to leave. Maybe someday it will get repaired.

Today's MySpace

Says "I Miss you Mom."

She hits me where it hurts . . .

Poem From a Friend

Megan sent me this poem, and I really, really like it. And, actually, the last line gives me encouragement.

I believe that everything happens for a reason.
People change so that you can learn to let go.
Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right,
and most important...things fall apart so better things can fall together.

Thursday's Conversation

I got a call this morning at 7:15, and Lindsey said, "hi." I said hello back. She said she didn't know how to start the conversation and please don't be mad. She then explained she was up all night with a stomach ache, quickly to add she didn't go out or do anything wrong, and would i call her in to school.

I told her she chose to leave my home, therefore I would not be calling her in sick. She said Scott would bring her over to my house for the day. I am not sure what she thought that would accomplish, but maybe she wanted her bed to be in, I don't know. But again, i told her no, she chose to leave and that's that.

So, I gave her the phone number to school and told her I hoped she felt better and hung up.

But, the emotional side of me is ripped again - I feel like I abandoned her in a time of need. But, was she playing me like so many times before. Will there ever be a time when I will know a difference? Will Lindsey ever be sincere enough that I won't doubt her?

And, i have to keep telling myself that she is young, and we have so many years ahead of us. But, it's hard to look beyond what is face value right now - I just keep feeling like we are at the end of the line. Not sure it makes sense.

It's Wednesday and getting easier. . . .

We had our family counseling session on Monday night, and Chrissy and Ann suggested that maybe it is time to let Lindsey do what she thinks she needs to do and let her go for the time being.

I was hoping to get to the bottom of things as to where she was over the weekend, but after she called me a B****, and added the word psycho to it, I sort of let the conversation go. I am tired of escalating discussions that get us no where.

She has, once again, gotten what she wants in some for or another. All of a sudden, she will be residing with her bio dad, yes, the one who has let her down over and over and over. She packed up a bad and I dropped her off Monday night. She said goodbye - I couldn't say anything. She said I love you - and I couldn't even respond. By that time I had swallowed my tongue.

The hopes and dreams I had for her and our relationship as she grew into adulthood were slammed shut right along with the car door. The tears blurred my vision as I backed out the driveway and she walked into their door.

And then I felt absolutely helpless and panicky - who will make her doc appointments, who will refill her medication, who will make sure she gets her homework done so she can graduate, who will order her cap and gown, who will take her places she needs to go?? All these things that she takes for granted that I just do flooded over me - honestly, who will take care of her?

And then later, I felt so angry. She called me and asked me not to be mean to Scott about this. When will she ever worry about me and what this has all done to me? She always worries about Ed and Scott. Yes, I am being selfish, but only briefly.

We need peace in our family, and I can only move forward and provide that for Haley, Will and Matt. It will take work and perhaps a fake, pasted smile - but we can get to where we should be - drama free.

I will always wonder where she was over the weekend, and I will always wonder if she fed Scott a line of BS to get out of treatment the first night she was over there - was it to avoid a random drug test? We will never know. We can only hope she grows up and takes herself down the path of success rather than destruction. We can only hope . . .

Matt has been supportive this last week and sent me this via email: "I know it is hard. But you have to have strength too and realize this is the best thing. She has 2 months until we have no control over what she does. If we spent those last 2 months controling ever little thing she does to stop her from finding the bad crowd, the bad stuff, etc. She would resent us even more and rebell even harder when she gets there. Now hopefully these 2 months of having no support from us will make her realize what she needs. Hopefully in time she will find some peace in her life and realize the importance of family. When she does she will be welcomed back into our lives with open arms."

Someday . . .

Well, she's home.

Nothing else to update. No answers to any of our questions.

Still gone . . .

No calls, no notes, no contacts to anyone. The medication she needed to stay on is still hanging on my door. I am so worried - again.