Well, Linz spent a week in the hospital again - almost the whole first week of June. She missed all her school work that she was supposed to get in. But guess what, the school bent over backwards for her again to let her get it in. She disappeared the day I got her out of the hospital . . .
I thought she had made so much progress this time. Each time she goes in, I get so excited. It is so apparent how smart she is - she knows all the right things to say to the doctors and to me. We had all these plans to help her, again; to help her move, to help her stay sober, to help her get a job, everything - with Kendra and Aaron's help, we were going to get her on the right path to adulthood. Then kaboom - her decisions made it all come crashing down again.
She didn't contact me for almost a week. I went through those awful feelings of wondering if she was hungry, clean, alive. . . it is a horrible feeling, horrible.
Finally she contacted me through a friend - saying she knew she had screwed up and was afraid to talk to me. The one person who has welcomed her back over and over and over and over - x10!
Here we are - three weeks later and I got a message from one of her random old friends saying that Lindsey was doing all the same things she had done in the past. And, if I wanted to save her, I better do something. Of course I want to save her, but I have come to realize I can't save her until she wants to save herself. She keeps saying she will never be happy. But she has never tried. She has never tried to live life making the right decisions and without drugs.
I finally told her last night that when she is ready to walk through my door and honestly say goodbye to her loser friends and the drugs, then I will help her. I made it abundantly clear that when she is ready and does walk through that door, that it needs to be for real. Not for long enough for me to get my hopes up and get some money and food off me. . . I'm done providing that.
I just hope with all my heart, that I do not bury her before she wakes up.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
It's been awhile . . .
Well, here we are again. Something must have happened for me to log on and write.
Lindsey has relapsed, although not nearly as severe as where she was before, but nonetheless, she relapsed. She has this incredible fear of being alone and friendless. So, she clings to these bad friends she has and doesn’t try to make new ones. Her self-confidence is so darn low, it is unbelievable. Ultimately, she is also very dependent on males. So, when she has a boyfriend, she is crazy “in love.” To the point that if he breaks up with her, she almost gets rather stalkerish. Anyway, he current male friend, whom is just bad, bad news, broke up with her and she took a lot of sleeping pills. So, by Monday night at midnight, she admitted she needed help again, and I spent the night in the ER with her. Twice during her stay, she stopped breathing. And, her heart was so off that they were doing ECGs on her, etc. But, by about 5 am, we had her stabilized and able to talk. She agreed to go back into Generose, which is the Psych Ward.
She doesn’t take care of herself AT ALL. She is so sick with pneumonia but won’t take her antibiotics, she has depression but won’t take her medication, etc. So, her being in the hospital is a good place for her to be. She will be there until Tuesday.
Last night I had the best conversation with her that we have had in two years. She finally admitted she was hanging around bad people, and self medicating when she felt down. I have always thought she would never recover or even begin a road to recovery unless she left Rochester.
Finally, she has agreed. So, I have been talking to Kendra and I think Kansas may be the best bet for a fresh start. Kendra said she is willing. Lindsey doesn’t need a parent right now, she needs someone who will guide her in getting a job, making some new friends, developing a hobby, helping her relax and remain positive. We talked a little bit about her being down there a year and maybe getting residency in Kansas and enrolling in KU. That is aways away, but she needs to think about the future. She isn’t a little kid in high school anymore.
She can attend outpatient while down there as well as get a psychologist to follow her. But, like I said, her biggest fear is making new friends and not being alone. I wish I could wave a wand and make her happy, but she needs to help herself before it will get any better.
Lindsey has relapsed, although not nearly as severe as where she was before, but nonetheless, she relapsed. She has this incredible fear of being alone and friendless. So, she clings to these bad friends she has and doesn’t try to make new ones. Her self-confidence is so darn low, it is unbelievable. Ultimately, she is also very dependent on males. So, when she has a boyfriend, she is crazy “in love.” To the point that if he breaks up with her, she almost gets rather stalkerish. Anyway, he current male friend, whom is just bad, bad news, broke up with her and she took a lot of sleeping pills. So, by Monday night at midnight, she admitted she needed help again, and I spent the night in the ER with her. Twice during her stay, she stopped breathing. And, her heart was so off that they were doing ECGs on her, etc. But, by about 5 am, we had her stabilized and able to talk. She agreed to go back into Generose, which is the Psych Ward.
She doesn’t take care of herself AT ALL. She is so sick with pneumonia but won’t take her antibiotics, she has depression but won’t take her medication, etc. So, her being in the hospital is a good place for her to be. She will be there until Tuesday.
Last night I had the best conversation with her that we have had in two years. She finally admitted she was hanging around bad people, and self medicating when she felt down. I have always thought she would never recover or even begin a road to recovery unless she left Rochester.
Finally, she has agreed. So, I have been talking to Kendra and I think Kansas may be the best bet for a fresh start. Kendra said she is willing. Lindsey doesn’t need a parent right now, she needs someone who will guide her in getting a job, making some new friends, developing a hobby, helping her relax and remain positive. We talked a little bit about her being down there a year and maybe getting residency in Kansas and enrolling in KU. That is aways away, but she needs to think about the future. She isn’t a little kid in high school anymore.
She can attend outpatient while down there as well as get a psychologist to follow her. But, like I said, her biggest fear is making new friends and not being alone. I wish I could wave a wand and make her happy, but she needs to help herself before it will get any better.
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