Snowed Again.....

Well, Linz spent a week in the hospital again - almost the whole first week of June. She missed all her school work that she was supposed to get in. But guess what, the school bent over backwards for her again to let her get it in. She disappeared the day I got her out of the hospital . . .

I thought she had made so much progress this time. Each time she goes in, I get so excited. It is so apparent how smart she is - she knows all the right things to say to the doctors and to me. We had all these plans to help her, again; to help her move, to help her stay sober, to help her get a job, everything - with Kendra and Aaron's help, we were going to get her on the right path to adulthood. Then kaboom - her decisions made it all come crashing down again.

She didn't contact me for almost a week. I went through those awful feelings of wondering if she was hungry, clean, alive. . . it is a horrible feeling, horrible.

Finally she contacted me through a friend - saying she knew she had screwed up and was afraid to talk to me. The one person who has welcomed her back over and over and over and over - x10!

Here we are - three weeks later and I got a message from one of her random old friends saying that Lindsey was doing all the same things she had done in the past. And, if I wanted to save her, I better do something. Of course I want to save her, but I have come to realize I can't save her until she wants to save herself. She keeps saying she will never be happy. But she has never tried. She has never tried to live life making the right decisions and without drugs.

I finally told her last night that when she is ready to walk through my door and honestly say goodbye to her loser friends and the drugs, then I will help her. I made it abundantly clear that when she is ready and does walk through that door, that it needs to be for real. Not for long enough for me to get my hopes up and get some money and food off me. . . I'm done providing that.

I just hope with all my heart, that I do not bury her before she wakes up.