It's March

We have seen little of Lindsey over the last few months, and when we do, it's very superficial. Her little brother Sam was born on March 25, and she did come up to the hospital to visit us. She looked good, and she had good spirits.

She is living with another boy - the way she goes through boys amazes me. And, they break her heart day in and day out. She called the other night needing a friend, but I just can't be that friend to her right now. That just breaks my heart.

We had Sam baptized on Easter, and she came out then too. She spent the whole day there and was very good. She, again, looks good. We sat and went through my make up and I gave her quite a bit.

Tomorrow I am picking her up to help her look for jobs. Where she lives now is not much more than a garden shed.

My heart and my prayers go out to her every day. When she held my hand in church, I just stood and cried.

Please help her wake up, God.

The Phone. . .

We got the phone bill this week and there were many, many dollars worth of charges on a phone that is sitting dead in our kitchen drawer. . . or so we thought.

Matt did a little investigative work. Still, I am so blind to her tactics and her ways of trickery. She put her own dead phone in our drawer and took ours - we didn't know - they looked the same. So, for about three weeks, she has been texting, using the internet, etc., on a cell phone we thought was dead. How stupid do we look calling the phone company and disputing the charges.

Matt is the one who put two and two together. I guess it's time for me to fully wake up and stop hoping she will change her ways. I definitely now will need to "see it to believe it" whatever "it" is.

January

Might as well fill in the blanks for January. . . back to heart ache. My grandma passed away on Tuesday, January 5th. I found Lindsey through various numbers I knew to text, and she called me right away. She did feel badly and wanted to be with the family during this time.

She went with me to the wake on Friday night, and on the way over, I was so brutally honest with her to the point that I probably hurt her feelings. So, of course, in true Lindsey fashion, hearing something she doesn't like set her off. So, the entire wake she sat in the back and didn't talk to anyone. Again, something that was not about her was made into something about her.

She didn't show up for the funeral. I was so sick the day of the funeral that I couldn't get out of bed unless I had help from Matt. That was one of the hardest calls I have had to make - telling my mom I couldn't come to her mother's funeral. We did get Haley there, and she participated and represented our family well.

So, as it has been for the last year, Lindsey floats around, looks like hell, hasn't found a job, can't pay the bills she does have and occasionally comes for a visit.

What breaks my heart is this - her sister and brother adore her, they worship the ground she walks on. If Lindsey eats, then Will eats. When Lindsey does something, he is right behind her. If she's around, he is by her side every second. Little do they know. . . but they have seen the disrespect, the name calling, the belligerence and how she has treated me. Where do I draw the line? How do I tell little kids and big kids alike they can't be involved with each other? Does she know what she's doing to the people who love her the most and who are willing to help her in every way possible? None of that matters - it's still all about her.

For those of you who don't know what it's like to have to hide money and belongings when your own kids visit you - be thankful. And, if you don't know what it's like to go to bed at night wondering if your own daughter will go off the deep end and hurt someone in the house - be thankful.

It sucks this life of being a mother to an addict. Vicious, vicious cycle.

December Update

In December, Lindsey finally admitted she couldn't make it and be successful with sobriety in Rochester anymore. So, after talking to her grandparents in Florida, I booked a one-way flight to go down there and straighten up, reinvent herself, whatever. . .

The first couple weeks were hard and lonely, but with gentle prodding and encouragement, she started going to meetings, got a sponsor (who was 55 and "a little stern") and got back on the appropriate medications. She was exercising alot and showing an interest in cooking. Some days she even went to two meetings a day.

I was ecstatic in the progress she was making without my help. She keeps forgetting that trust is a privilege and that she would need to build it back up with a lot of people and especially her grandparents as they weren't giving her a lot of freedom. She thinks that should just be given to her.

Then came time to come home from Christmas. They dropped her off at Walmart as she had arranged for a friend to pick her up. Well, that was the last time anyone heard from her for days. She didn't attend any family Christmases nor did she take the initiative to visit any of us.

So, my three weeks of being proud and hopeful - came to a screeching halt. She's still in Rochester, doing who knows what. When will it end????