January

Might as well fill in the blanks for January. . . back to heart ache. My grandma passed away on Tuesday, January 5th. I found Lindsey through various numbers I knew to text, and she called me right away. She did feel badly and wanted to be with the family during this time.

She went with me to the wake on Friday night, and on the way over, I was so brutally honest with her to the point that I probably hurt her feelings. So, of course, in true Lindsey fashion, hearing something she doesn't like set her off. So, the entire wake she sat in the back and didn't talk to anyone. Again, something that was not about her was made into something about her.

She didn't show up for the funeral. I was so sick the day of the funeral that I couldn't get out of bed unless I had help from Matt. That was one of the hardest calls I have had to make - telling my mom I couldn't come to her mother's funeral. We did get Haley there, and she participated and represented our family well.

So, as it has been for the last year, Lindsey floats around, looks like hell, hasn't found a job, can't pay the bills she does have and occasionally comes for a visit.

What breaks my heart is this - her sister and brother adore her, they worship the ground she walks on. If Lindsey eats, then Will eats. When Lindsey does something, he is right behind her. If she's around, he is by her side every second. Little do they know. . . but they have seen the disrespect, the name calling, the belligerence and how she has treated me. Where do I draw the line? How do I tell little kids and big kids alike they can't be involved with each other? Does she know what she's doing to the people who love her the most and who are willing to help her in every way possible? None of that matters - it's still all about her.

For those of you who don't know what it's like to have to hide money and belongings when your own kids visit you - be thankful. And, if you don't know what it's like to go to bed at night wondering if your own daughter will go off the deep end and hurt someone in the house - be thankful.

It sucks this life of being a mother to an addict. Vicious, vicious cycle.