November Update

Well, she did the most hurtful thing she could do. Her and who knows who else? The people she continues to defend. . . Shane? Hollind? Eden? Catie? I will never know. We had very little in our house to move yet . . . and two very sentimental pictures that I just hadn't taken.

I stopped by the house in late November and then thermostat was broken off the wall and other things had apparently been moved. One of them was a picture of my grandparents' dog named Fangy, and the other was a picture of me and my grandpa back during the bicentennial days of Hayfield in 1972. He had grown a beard and I was dressed like someone off Little House on the Prairie.

Anyone who knows me, knows that my grandpa was the most special person in my life. He held my hand without saying a word when I needed it most. He passed away three weeks before Lindsey was born.

In this framed picture of the two of us was a silver dollar and fifty cent piece. I noticed the picture gone and asked Lindsey about it - her words? "I know how much that picture means to you, I would never touch it and I would never let me friends touch it."

A day later I came home and a familiar looking mat was in the garage. . . a few steps in the house was the hanger. . . in the next room was the glass. . . and in a box of Matt's stuff was the frame. You know what was missing? The silver dollar, fifty cent piece and the picture. I called Lindsey crying, and she denied knowing anything about it.

How could she have ripped that picture open for a buck fifty???? A couple days later she produced the coins - but you know what is still missing? The picture - the picture of the man who played such an important role in my life. A month later, the coins are in my hands, the frame is ripped apart and I still get sick to my stomach to think that she and her friends sunk that low as to taking the picture. I don't doubt they had a good laugh watching it burn.

The house is clean and empty now . . . still no picture.

Fall Update

Well, we went to Branson as a family in August and took our two nieces as well. We had a blast. Lindsey, of course, chose to stay home. In the month of August, we were also able to realize a dream of ours and move to the country. We have a little slice of heaven between Chatfield and Fountain. Haley and Will love it, as do we.

Anyway, on to the update - I was sitting in the bathroom prior to leaving for Branson, and looked up at my window sill and saw my two diamond necklaces. One was a heart-shaped necklace Lindsey and Matt picked out for me back in 2001ish, and the other, was one Matt had given me just a couple years back of 5 diamonds (I believe it's called the Journey necklace). I thought to myself "do I need to hide these? Heck no, she wouldn't do that to me again." So, away we went to Branson. When we got back, I was standing in the bathroom and I stepped on something. I looked down, and it was a pendant from another necklace, which had also been on the window sill. Of course, my heart skipped a beat. I raced over to the window sill and THEY WERE GONE! I couldn't believe it!!

I confronted her, and she vehemently denied it and ran out of the house crying and yelling at me. But, several days later she owned up to one of them but not the other. Just another day in the life.

Nothing new

Lindsey has called a few times in the last couple of weeks. Mostly to say hi and perhaps worm a little money out of me. The most I have done is meet her at McDonalds and buy her a burger or something. She is selling corn out of a pick up truck with a friend at random places. Well, she calls her a friend - I don't as a parent.

Lindsey is still not taking care of herself. She keeps saying she will never be happy so why bother to try. That is just so sad.

Lots of little things make me think of her in so many happy ways. Someday. . . . right?

Latest, and I would love to say Greatest. . .

We are leaving on a family weekend over at the Dells this evening. It's been a rough week. My biological grandfather passed away Sunday evening, and Matt's amazing grandpa passed away this afternoon. Things always comes in three, I fear for her today.

We offered for her to come along, but she won't come unless she can bring her boyfriend - I don't even know this person.

Last night she needed money, and she admitted it was a drug debt. She told me she would be in trouble if she didn't give them money. As hard as it was, I had to say no. It is time to 100% stop enabling her.

Last week I received a random text from someone from her past. It said if I care at all about my daughter I would get her some help. She is doing more than she was before. They also asked if I was watching over her and setting rules.

I had to let this person know that Lindsey is 18 now, and I am beyond helping someone who does not want help in the least bit.

She stops over now and then, tells me to fuck off or go to hell, grabs some clothes and leaves. We have been locking our door and hiding any money - do you know how that feels to wonder what your child could do to hurt you? Sometimes I lay in bed and wonder if she would go as far as hurting us while we sleep. Awful to have to wonder this. I look at my sweet, innocent Haley and William - what could she or would she do to them in a drug-induced state of mind? It is horrible having to wonder these things.

She has been telling people that we no longer care about her and have abandoned her. That is so not the case, and she just doesn't understand that. I told her again last night that when she decides to live life like an adult and make adult decisions and move forward, I will open my front door wide open for her. Until then, I just will not enable her. She doesn't understand at all.

Then at 2 a.m. this morning, I received a text "good night mom, love you," talk about sticking a knife in my heart and twisting it around and around and around. Are these drugs talking or has my daughter briefly appeared???

Only time will tell. But, I know in my heart, that my little baby will appear some day again and everything will be okay.

I am attaching my favorite scene from the latest Rocky movie - his inspirational talk to his son. It reminds me of what I could say to Lindsey if she would only listen.

I am posting a link to my favorite inspirational lecture - although it's from a father to a son - it's pretty powerful and very simply put.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Z5OookwOoY&feature=PlayList&p=BFCAC95E72E9D05C&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=21

Snowed Again.....

Well, Linz spent a week in the hospital again - almost the whole first week of June. She missed all her school work that she was supposed to get in. But guess what, the school bent over backwards for her again to let her get it in. She disappeared the day I got her out of the hospital . . .

I thought she had made so much progress this time. Each time she goes in, I get so excited. It is so apparent how smart she is - she knows all the right things to say to the doctors and to me. We had all these plans to help her, again; to help her move, to help her stay sober, to help her get a job, everything - with Kendra and Aaron's help, we were going to get her on the right path to adulthood. Then kaboom - her decisions made it all come crashing down again.

She didn't contact me for almost a week. I went through those awful feelings of wondering if she was hungry, clean, alive. . . it is a horrible feeling, horrible.

Finally she contacted me through a friend - saying she knew she had screwed up and was afraid to talk to me. The one person who has welcomed her back over and over and over and over - x10!

Here we are - three weeks later and I got a message from one of her random old friends saying that Lindsey was doing all the same things she had done in the past. And, if I wanted to save her, I better do something. Of course I want to save her, but I have come to realize I can't save her until she wants to save herself. She keeps saying she will never be happy. But she has never tried. She has never tried to live life making the right decisions and without drugs.

I finally told her last night that when she is ready to walk through my door and honestly say goodbye to her loser friends and the drugs, then I will help her. I made it abundantly clear that when she is ready and does walk through that door, that it needs to be for real. Not for long enough for me to get my hopes up and get some money and food off me. . . I'm done providing that.

I just hope with all my heart, that I do not bury her before she wakes up.

Her Graduation Announcement

It's been awhile . . .

Well, here we are again. Something must have happened for me to log on and write.

Lindsey has relapsed, although not nearly as severe as where she was before, but nonetheless, she relapsed. She has this incredible fear of being alone and friendless. So, she clings to these bad friends she has and doesn’t try to make new ones. Her self-confidence is so darn low, it is unbelievable. Ultimately, she is also very dependent on males. So, when she has a boyfriend, she is crazy “in love.” To the point that if he breaks up with her, she almost gets rather stalkerish. Anyway, he current male friend, whom is just bad, bad news, broke up with her and she took a lot of sleeping pills. So, by Monday night at midnight, she admitted she needed help again, and I spent the night in the ER with her. Twice during her stay, she stopped breathing. And, her heart was so off that they were doing ECGs on her, etc. But, by about 5 am, we had her stabilized and able to talk. She agreed to go back into Generose, which is the Psych Ward.

She doesn’t take care of herself AT ALL. She is so sick with pneumonia but won’t take her antibiotics, she has depression but won’t take her medication, etc. So, her being in the hospital is a good place for her to be. She will be there until Tuesday.

Last night I had the best conversation with her that we have had in two years. She finally admitted she was hanging around bad people, and self medicating when she felt down. I have always thought she would never recover or even begin a road to recovery unless she left Rochester.

Finally, she has agreed. So, I have been talking to Kendra and I think Kansas may be the best bet for a fresh start. Kendra said she is willing. Lindsey doesn’t need a parent right now, she needs someone who will guide her in getting a job, making some new friends, developing a hobby, helping her relax and remain positive. We talked a little bit about her being down there a year and maybe getting residency in Kansas and enrolling in KU. That is aways away, but she needs to think about the future. She isn’t a little kid in high school anymore.

She can attend outpatient while down there as well as get a psychologist to follow her. But, like I said, her biggest fear is making new friends and not being alone. I wish I could wave a wand and make her happy, but she needs to help herself before it will get any better.

Feeling like writing. . .

It's been two weeks since Lindsey moved out. I have heard from her via text for three things - money, rides and to excuse her from school. To all of which, I said no.

I never thought the child nearest and dearest to me would move out so soon or under these circumstances. But, I have had to let go, and that really sucks. When I moved out, I am fairly certain my mom didn't call school or work to find out if I didn't go, I knew I couldn't ask her to excuse me from anything anymore, and it was a long, long time before my parents gave me money. . .

Basically, Lindsey moved out and decided to make a go of it on her own. . . sort of. She moved in with her bio dad (whom she hasn't had a relationship for 16 years) and her step mom, whom she never referred to as that before. In fact, when she went over there on Christmas Eve, she was back in an hour because he didn't know how to act around her. And one of the other times, when Matt asked how it was visiting her dad, Lindsey's response was, "If you call having him passed out on the couch the whole time good, then it was good."

Am I hurt - you bet I am. I won't try to pretend I'm not. The email she last sent me apologized for being an inconvenience to me. When in the hell did I ever say that or act like that? She said if she moved back home, she would be dead within a week. And, that I could never guilt trip her into coming home - funny thing is, I don't think I ever asked her to come back home.

I can only hope she becomes a better person with this move, and I am glad she found someone who could help her be the person she should be. Even though I wished it had been me.

Right now though, I can't even look at her or talk to her - there is no connection. It was fried when she called me a psycho bitch and decided to leave. Maybe someday it will get repaired.

Today's MySpace

Says "I Miss you Mom."

She hits me where it hurts . . .

Poem From a Friend

Megan sent me this poem, and I really, really like it. And, actually, the last line gives me encouragement.

I believe that everything happens for a reason.
People change so that you can learn to let go.
Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right,
and most important...things fall apart so better things can fall together.

Thursday's Conversation

I got a call this morning at 7:15, and Lindsey said, "hi." I said hello back. She said she didn't know how to start the conversation and please don't be mad. She then explained she was up all night with a stomach ache, quickly to add she didn't go out or do anything wrong, and would i call her in to school.

I told her she chose to leave my home, therefore I would not be calling her in sick. She said Scott would bring her over to my house for the day. I am not sure what she thought that would accomplish, but maybe she wanted her bed to be in, I don't know. But again, i told her no, she chose to leave and that's that.

So, I gave her the phone number to school and told her I hoped she felt better and hung up.

But, the emotional side of me is ripped again - I feel like I abandoned her in a time of need. But, was she playing me like so many times before. Will there ever be a time when I will know a difference? Will Lindsey ever be sincere enough that I won't doubt her?

And, i have to keep telling myself that she is young, and we have so many years ahead of us. But, it's hard to look beyond what is face value right now - I just keep feeling like we are at the end of the line. Not sure it makes sense.

It's Wednesday and getting easier. . . .

We had our family counseling session on Monday night, and Chrissy and Ann suggested that maybe it is time to let Lindsey do what she thinks she needs to do and let her go for the time being.

I was hoping to get to the bottom of things as to where she was over the weekend, but after she called me a B****, and added the word psycho to it, I sort of let the conversation go. I am tired of escalating discussions that get us no where.

She has, once again, gotten what she wants in some for or another. All of a sudden, she will be residing with her bio dad, yes, the one who has let her down over and over and over. She packed up a bad and I dropped her off Monday night. She said goodbye - I couldn't say anything. She said I love you - and I couldn't even respond. By that time I had swallowed my tongue.

The hopes and dreams I had for her and our relationship as she grew into adulthood were slammed shut right along with the car door. The tears blurred my vision as I backed out the driveway and she walked into their door.

And then I felt absolutely helpless and panicky - who will make her doc appointments, who will refill her medication, who will make sure she gets her homework done so she can graduate, who will order her cap and gown, who will take her places she needs to go?? All these things that she takes for granted that I just do flooded over me - honestly, who will take care of her?

And then later, I felt so angry. She called me and asked me not to be mean to Scott about this. When will she ever worry about me and what this has all done to me? She always worries about Ed and Scott. Yes, I am being selfish, but only briefly.

We need peace in our family, and I can only move forward and provide that for Haley, Will and Matt. It will take work and perhaps a fake, pasted smile - but we can get to where we should be - drama free.

I will always wonder where she was over the weekend, and I will always wonder if she fed Scott a line of BS to get out of treatment the first night she was over there - was it to avoid a random drug test? We will never know. We can only hope she grows up and takes herself down the path of success rather than destruction. We can only hope . . .

Matt has been supportive this last week and sent me this via email: "I know it is hard. But you have to have strength too and realize this is the best thing. She has 2 months until we have no control over what she does. If we spent those last 2 months controling ever little thing she does to stop her from finding the bad crowd, the bad stuff, etc. She would resent us even more and rebell even harder when she gets there. Now hopefully these 2 months of having no support from us will make her realize what she needs. Hopefully in time she will find some peace in her life and realize the importance of family. When she does she will be welcomed back into our lives with open arms."

Someday . . .

Well, she's home.

Nothing else to update. No answers to any of our questions.

Still gone . . .

No calls, no notes, no contacts to anyone. The medication she needed to stay on is still hanging on my door. I am so worried - again.

She's Gone . . . Again

Well, to those of you who have not been in this situation but have all the advice in the world - keep it to yourself. I put my foot down and told Lindsey she did not need to hang out at the hospital all night and before she could do anything, I needed to talk with her friends in regard to the texts we found, etc. Well, guess what - she didn't come home last night. Haven't heard from her nor have I seen her.

So, once again, I found myself cleaning her room and crying as I picked up her clothes and folded them and put them away. I cried as I read her treatment journals and have come to the realization that it is all a bunch of BULL SHIT!

She told me last night before she hung on me, that I am the one making this hard. She doesn't understand that the dumb decisions she made in the past have made her life hard now. Until she stops blaming everyone else, me included, she will not get better.

Her last words to me were, "I don't ever want to see you or talk to you again." So much for setting rules and expecting them to be followed!

She went to bed happy and woke up happy . . .

Jeannie Miller gave me a call last night while Lindsey was just finishing up group. She had a few concerns about the possibility of Lindsey cutting herself and since she is dual diagnosis, wanted me to make sure she didn’t run out of Lexapro.

But, in the course of the conversation, she did say that Matt and I are doing all the right things with Lindsey and Lindsey needs to take responsibility for her actions.

When I picked Lindsey up, she asked if we could talk, and of course I said yes. So, she asked me “What is the benefit of my attitude changing? I just don’t see the benefit.” And I told her she could have everyone one us bending over backward for her if she only adjusted the attitude. And, after she asked me again, rather than go back and forth, I just told her that she would have to learn the benefit of a good and positive attitude as I was unable to explain it to her in terms she would understand.

She asked me if I would take her to the craft store to buy some necklace making supplies so she could keep herself busy. So, we went and bought supplies. In the middle of the store, she threw her arms around me and promised she would try really hard. But, why do we take everything away from her? And I calmly explained, that if she really looked around her, we hadn’t taken anything but her texting capabilities.

But at the end of the conversation, she looked at me and asked me “Why do you make it so hard for me?” So my question is – am I the reason for all this, am I really making it hard of her? Will there be a day when she realizes I was only trying to guide her down the right path? If so, make that day get here real soon!

Anyway, she handed over her phone at 10 last night, got off the computer when I asked and crawled into bed. In fact, just as Matt and I were going to bed, we heard her talking. So, I headed upstairs quietly to see what was going on - she and Haley were screwing around and laughing rather uncontrollably. It brought tears to my eyes and one trickled down my face. Oh the sweet sounds of sisters laughing.

Now, we have to get her over the hurdle of instant gratification based on behavior – the bargaining to get what she wants.

Well, the waters of hell are flowing!

We had a rough weekend, and at this point in time, I can say I won't be leaving the house for quite some time. Lindsey was sick last week and didn't go to school part of Thursday either. She did get up and go to school on Friday, but she refused to stay here with Matt. So, she went over to her dad's. Haley had a basketball game Saturday, which she went to. Saturday night she spent the night at Elissa's.

By the time I got home on Sunday, she still wasn't home. I talked with her and let her know staying somewhere else was not an option. We were not going to be running from the problems she thinks she has at home.

Somewhere in all of this mess, she thinks we have all stopped believing in her. I guess, in her limited world, taking away a phone means no one believes her wanting to stay sober. She is coming on 7 months, and I remain so proud of her.

When she finally got home Sunday, we moped a little bit, but then she said, "Mommy, please don't ever go away again." I just wrapped my arms around her and felt her frame crumble toward my arms. I told her I wouldn't be going anywhere.

She told me she didn't use or cut this weekend, and I put her face in my hands and looked right at her and said, "I BELIEVE YOU!" I have faith that you would not do anything to derail herself.

Monday night Chrissy came over - we went through Lindsey's phone together and what was in there just made my heart sink. She had someone asking her to find hits of acid and $40 of coke. What's so funny, that after talking to this girl, I realize there are so many people who just don't get it! The girl said, "but it wasn't for me and it's not like I asked Lindsey to use it." Are people like her so dumb as to think that a person who is trying to stay sober should be automatically resist using drugs she went out and got and now has in her hands would not want to use them?? Wake the hell up people. What kind of support is that?? That is messed up.

Then, another girl, whom I thought was okay and who is raising a baby, asked for her to find her some marijuana. I am not okay with that, and Chrissy backed me up that we should be livid. So, before Lindsey can hang out with these kids, they all will be coming over here for a little bit of reality check. Lindsey can't be around that stuff and how much of a friend would ask her to find it??? I seriously can't comprehend!

Of course, homework didn't get done, she cried uncontrollably, and her school is worried about her too. Matt and I are remaining united, as that is all we can do. It breaks our hearts to see her go through this, and we can only say to ourselves that we are doing what we know is right.

It is so hard to focus at work. I remained strong for the past six months, although I don't know how, but I did. My marriage has taken a toll and our little kids have heard so much their little ears should not hear. We will keep doing the best we can, but all prayers are welcomed!

Aaargh. . .

I am in Texas, and I thought that everyone would be okay with out me being there. All I can say is I guess maybe I am more of a mediator and calming affect than I thought. All hell has broken loose and I am in a panic stage. This is so depressing to be out of reach, out of touch and unable to help out. Lindsey was sick yesterday, so she didn't go to school. But, she doesn't have strep. When it came time to go to school, we were hoping she would have the umph to get up and try to go. But, she didn't unfortunately. So, the phones have been taken away and the computer as well. This is frustrating to say the least.

Wow - this is hard. . .

Well, Linz has been home almost a week. I am just gripped with two polar opposite emotions. One is, I have set myself up to watch her fail. The other is, I have 100% faith in her that she will prove me wrong. It's amazing how you can have such feelings that are on the opposite ends of the spectrum. Chrissy came over and talked with us last night, and she just sat there, like she didn't care about anything. Then, all of a sudden I felt like I was being attacked because I had said something wrong or had the wrong facial expression or something. We talked about the rules we had set, and she just mumbled through the discussion and said it didn't matter what she thought because nothing was going to change. Thank goodness Matt was there to speak for me because I was still in the fox hole, shell shocked.

Today she went home from school sick. Three days back in school, and she is home sick. I don't know what to think. Not sure where to turn either. Matt throws up his hands when I want to talk about it and doesn't show much interest in what I have to say anyway. . . . I don't want to say anything negative because it will only make his feelings of negativity toward her grow. That is the last thing I want.

I am turning over every thought to God - it's amazing how much praying can take place in the shower!

First Friday night home

Well, I drove Lindsey over to a friend's house so they could watch a movie. I cannot even describe this feeling of nervousness, nausea, and fear. I want to trust her so badly . . .

She had a good day at school today. I brought her with me to work after school, and she got her algebra homework done, so we won't have to nag about that.

She is attending a basketball tournament with us tomorrow; Haley will be so happy to finally see her big sister sitting in the stands. Lindsey cried yesterday when she reflected on how she has been as a sibling. On a positive note, her sister and brother have lots of years worth of activities for Lindsey to attend.

Nancy and Kari

Here are the two people who have really given Lindsey the skills to success "on the outside"! Nancy and Kari - both to whom I owe a big thanks!

She's home!

I went and picked Lindsey up yesterday, and we had a good mediated discussion with her counselor prior to her release. She got to hug all her friends when she left, and I witnessed a lot of tears. I can't really imagine how she must feel and her fears - she has been in a safe, controlled environment with little to no temptations for exactly six months. Yes, she has been sober six months! What an amazing feat to have to accomplish at the age of 17.

I took her shopping for some new school clothes (thanks mom and dad!) yesterday, so she would feel confident in going in there. I just talked with the Dean, and so far, so good. We sort of forgot school supplies, so believe it or not, I had an old notebook she could use from my high school days - needless to say, she won't carry that notebook with a horse galloping across the front of it for very long.

Please say a prayer for my Lindsey and for all of our family members who have continued to support her through this ordeal.

Thank you Kendra and mom and dad to get involved and attend Al-Anon. Thank you to Elissa who took her under her wing for a month when everything was falling apart. Thank you to everyone who prayed continuously for us. And thank you to Nancy and Kari and for them not giving up on her.

She's coming home!

We enjoyed our vacation, and while away, Lindsey was very busy setting up appointments to assist in her life as a sober person upon her return. She will be returning home on the day of her 6 month sobriety anniversary. I am very proud of her attitude and accomplishments as we look at them today.

She will be returning to Lourdes High School on Friday at 7:45 a.m., and the school is going to help her walk down that graduation aisle with the rest of her class. She knows this is going to be very difficult, but she has already had one of the biggest challenges in her life. This will be another, but one she can also surpass. Most things in life that are good do not come easily, nor are they always fair. I gently remind her of this.

She will be going to counseling and outpatient with an all-female group. This is an adult group, but they are accepting Lindsey in. This group meets three times a week in the evenings. Monday nights we will be attending counseling as a family. She will be very busy during the week . . . but we all know the saying "idleness produces the devil's handiwork. . . " or something like that.

We are very hopeful but cautious and do not know really what to expect. Matt and I are going to do everything in our power to watch her graduate, get her enrolled in college and get back on track. Hopefully, we will help keep her on the straight and narrow. Her sister and brother are very excited to have her home. Haley is almost done playing basketball and is in her school's production of the Jungle Book. She can't wait for Lindsey to come to that.

Haley has started to tell her friends where her sister is. Her friends are genuinely concerned and have learned first-hand (as much as a 10-year-old) can about drug abuse. Lindsey is willing to share her recovery story with those interested.

In the fall, Lindsey hopes to enroll in Winona State University and get her 4-year-degree. Her goal right now is to be a Licensed Alcohol and Drug Counselor.

That's all for now - pray for us. The more prayers the better!

This picture attached to this post is of my dad, Lindsey (left) and Haley (right). She got to come home last week to attend a banquet and to take care some of the appointments she had set up.

Leaving today

Lindsey was home for a day. She got situated with her outpatient stuff for when she returns home. We can only hope and pray she will use this tool and all its potential and will stay clean.

We leave today without her for our Mexican cruise. It was very hard to hug her good-bye knowing she can't go with. But, there will be plenty of years to come for all of us to have fun.

Please say a prayer for her this week and help her stay strong while we are gone.

Last night

Well, I set out to get Lindsey later than I expected, and once I hit the roads I realized I was not going to risk my life going over and both our lives coming back. It would have taken 6 hours. Armed with the decision of not going, I knew I had to call Lindsey.

Drum roll please. . . . you never know what kind of reaction you will get when you tell her something she doesn't want to hear.

Lo and behold I was pleasantly surprised. She reacted very adult-like, wow, what a treat! When we talked tonight I told her I was proud of her reaction, and she told me a counselor told her the same thing.

So, I am going to get her tomorrow night instead so she can meet with her school counselor and her outpatient people.

Lindsey is making progress. . .

Lindsey is coming home tonight for a couple of days. Although the driving is tough and monotonous, it is very encouraging when she sets up appointments to better herself. She is going to meet with Sarah at school tomorrow in hopes that returning to school and graduating with her class is a possibility. She is meeting with her outpatient group as well.

Again, we can only hope she is getting on the right track. I am sure Haley will be shocked when she gets up in the morning, and Lindsey is here.

Will said randomly tonight, "I wish my Lindsey could go on the cruise with us." Breaks my heart to see such an attachment from one sibling to another knowing the one he adores can't be with him.

The weekend is over.

Lindsey pressed her flowers we sent her this weekend. She seemed in good spirits and is starting to be more proactive in getting out and doing the right things when she does get out. I hope these actions are because she wants to change and not just to get out of treatment.

Haley found out Lindsey wasn't going on the cruise, and this caused a few tears. But, we keep telling her that Lindsey is only getting better and part of getting better will make her be a great big sister. She looks forward to the day when Lindsey can be that for her.

End of the week

Closing out a really tough week for us. For some reason, this has been extra-emotional for me. But, I remain positive. Maybe next week I will put some make up on. This week I knew it would run down my face in big, ugly black streaks. . . .

I talked with Lindsey this afternoon, and she seems a little more focused and a whole lot more positive. She started a self-help book a friend of mine sent her (thanks Kim) and really enjoys it and feels enlightened by some of the concepts.

There was a day when I told her a year or so ago to try reading some of these books and she didn't necessarily have to embrace every idea or thought, but could take bits and pieces and use them to help her. On that day, she told me to shove my self-help/motivational books up my ass. . . my we've come a long way.

We have a basketball tournament for Haley this weekend that I wish Lindsey could be at. But, Haley is little and her passion for basketball continues to grow with each practice and game. We have a whole lot of years to watch her and enjoy her enthusiasm for the sport. And, someday, she will have a big sister who will proudly be watching her from the stands.

A new morning. . .

I was so apprehensive to call Lindsey last night after our conference call ended yesterday. But, I cannot go a day without talking to her. She sounded to quiet and defeated when we did hang up after the call, we could tell she was upset, but not raging mad.

She was quiet when she anwered, and I couldn't quite tell what she was thinking. They hadn't brought her flowers yet, so they went to look for them. They were yellow roses for her 5-month sobriety anniversary. Then she softly exclaimed, "oh there they are." She said they were beautiful and read the card aloud, "Congratulations on your 5-month anniversary of sobriety. We love you and we are proud of you, Mom and Matt." She was quiet for a minute and said, "I really want to be pissed at you, but I can't be." Has she had a small but powerful revelation that we are not trying to punish her but only helping her let go of the person she used to be and become and embrace the person she has so much potential to be? We can only hope.

She did have to laugh a little into the conversation - she can't take the flowers in her room because the vase is glass. And, the card was made out to Lindsey T. She said she will keep it forever.

Right now, she probably won't be going on the cruise, but that's okay. Hopefully she is building the foundation of a life that will keep her around for a very long time, and we will have many years to take vacations in.

Conference Call

We had a conference call today with Lindsey, her counselors, etc. Matt was able to express to Lindsey everything I felt as I couldn't even talk. I so hope that she someday she will realize we are doing everything we can in our power to help her, not make her mad or be stuck somewhere. Someday I hope she realizes how our love for her is so strong and fierce.

I am sure right now she thinks we are a bunch of idiots, but with our determination and persistence in helping her get better, I hope she looks at this some day as one of her biggest challenges and one that she came out of stronger than ever and a better person because of our insistency. She will persevere and be successful. I have faith.

It will be hard going on vacation without her as it looks like that will be the case. I will go feeling much guilt and sadness, but also with the realization that we have a whole life in front of us to vacation. I look forward to the day we can vacation with Lindsey, Haley and Will and laugh and love with shining eyes.

5 months!

Today is Lindsey's 5-month sobriety anniversary. But, with her alleged relapse, will they let her celebrate? Who knows. I sent her flowers, and I know that I will believe in her even though it is hard sometimes. If no one believes her - will she fall back into old ways wondering "why bother?"

We have a conference call with her and everyone involved in her life to figure out next steps for her. She really wants to come home and has lost focus on her real goal. That goal of getting healthy needs to be re-established.

I hope she realizes how proud we all are of her and how far she has come. I hope she knows that we do want her home when she is ready for sure. When she is ready, we are ready. We will open our arms willingly to her.

Her little sister cries so when she leaves after a pass. It's heart-breaking to watch. We just want to snatch her and Will up and take them to where no one will find them and protect them from all that can go wrong in their lives.

Lindsey

And it continues . . .

Last night I had myself a real pity party - I was washing dishes and watching the tears drop into the sink as I wondered "why me." I am healthy, my family is healthy (physically that is), but still. My daughter is addicted to crack, Coricidin and is a cutter as well. I stood there and cried as I thought of the last two years of lost time with not only me, but her sister, her brother, her step-father and everyone else who loves her.

Today we found out she has possibly relapsed - while on home visits no less. Am I that blind or does she not understand the grave consequences of drug use. What did I do so wrong that makes her want to harm herself or escape life so bad???